Why I won't be proposing today

There are all sorts of reasons why people do and don't get married. We haven't done it as yet. We might do, some time in the future, but there was never any chance of me popping the question today. Not because I am a traditionalist or anything – I am all for a woman taking her bull by the horn (or whatever else she can get a firm grip on, lest the thing bolts at the first hint of a proposal) if she so desires.

No, it's more because of the terrifying prospect of my three-year-old daughter Ava muscling in and planning the wedding. Which she has, in fact, already started doing.

This began a couple of weeks ago when we were having a pub lunch with some good pals. Some newlyweds arrived, glowing and surrounded by their delighted family and friends. The bride looked gorgeous in a long, pure white, slinky silk gown. Ava was agog, it wasn't the first time she had seen a bride, but it was the first time she had taken a blind bit of notice.

And so began the questions.

“Are you and daddy married?”

“No darling, we aren't.”

“Oh! So shall we get married?”

“We?”

“Yes! You and daddy, and me and Ruby.”

“Well, yet we might do one da…”

“And Jibril.”

Jibril is a lovely little boy who Ava has known since she was born. He is utterly gorgeous, but I must say don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea of this strange wedded union between the five of us.

“And we have a parteeeeeeeeey!”

“Darling, usually it’s just two people who get marri…”

“I can wear a white dress and you can wear a pink one!”

Great. “And what will daddy and Ruby wear?”

“Um, daddy will wear a stripy top. And Ruby can wear… a bag. You know that green one?”

Clearly, Ava was seeing herself as the star of this show. The bag she was referring to is a green rucksack that looks like a turtle and has a little pull out plastic hat, with eyes, which makes Ruby look ridiculous. Cute, but ridiculous.

“Do I have to wear a pink dress, Ava? Can't I wear a white one as well?” I made a sad face.

“No, Mummy. Because. Because. Because my favourite colour is white.”

An outright lie! Her favourite colour is pink!

“And Jibril?”

“Jibril can come as a pirate maybe?”

Okay, so I have one groom dressed as a pirate, the other one wearing a stripy T-shirt but presumably naked from the waist down. Add to this one daughter wearing nothing but a turtle while her sister swishes round in a proper white bridal gown, and I take my vows in something hideously pink. Sounds like some interesting wedding photos, right? Wait 'til you hear the next bit.

“And when we get married, we have party games?”

“Sure.”

“Hide and seek?”

I would put money on not being able to find Dan anywhere. Ava ploughed on: “And maybeeee… sword fighting?”

Ava and Ruby have a set of foam swords given to them by their uncle and auntie at Christmas, and I figured any good party would require the laying on of some toys for the kids. “Yes, Ava – you and Ruby and Jibril could take along your toy swords, and have battles!”

“No, mummy! It's a real wedding, we need real swords! They need a pointy bit at the end, you know, where those people die?”

WHAT?!

I have had many daydreams about what my daughters might end up doing with their lives. I now feel pretty sure that Ava is considerably less likely to be a wedding planner than she is to be a writer on the TV show Shameless.